15 Funny Parenting Facts

I hope to give you a little chuckle or have you nod along with these “facts” you will find true once you have your own little bundle of joy. See all my other monthly parenting topics here.

FACT: When baby is sleeping, you will make new choices on what you eat. Yep, sleeping babies = quiet foods. If you want some chips from a crinkly bag, you better open them in the basement! Want your food heated up in the microwave? You better open that puppy up before it counts down to zero and beeps!

FACT: When baby is sleeping, Your phone/computer/camera/glass of water/remote/notebook will be RIGHT out of your reach. This is of course true for babies sleeping soundly on you, especially during those early newborn weeks.

FACT: When baby is sleeping, you will find every squeaky floorboard in the house. That or you will do a creepy dance down the hallway hitting all the non squeaky spots along the way. It will be quite a dance to watch dad do!

FACT: When baby is sleeping, you will inevitably forget to turn your phone volume down, drop anything you carry and set off every motion sensor toy in the room.  Seriously, you’re never as loud as when you’re trying to be quiet. It’s science.

FACT: When baby is sleeping, dad will sleep soundly even when baby wakes up. Upon giving birth moms gain the ability to wake up upon hearing a baby stir but for some reason dads to not generally gain this super power. It’s annoying but actually pretty impressive too.

FACT: When baby is sleeping, you will hear the volume of the world around you in a whole new light. Why are those loud speakers in stores SOOOO loud? And don’t even get me started on the squeaky wheels on the carts at Home Depot.

FACT: You will find yourself putting your finger under their nose to check their breathing at least once. Or twice. Or 100s of times. Especially when you’re in the hospital right after they’re born. They sleep so peacefully still!

FACT: You will drive differently (hopefully) after baby. My husband said driving home with our new daughter from the hospital was one of the scariest drives of his life. It was only a 15 minute drive but I’m sure you’d believe me if I told you it took up over 35. Slow and steady, within reason, my friends.

FACT: Only you as the parent understands how many weeks convert to how old a baby is in months. And even that isn’t always true! Instead of saying “38 weeks” just tell people the closest month her age is, even going as far as 1/2 months if you need to be so particular.

FACT: You will become one of those people who sniffs their child’s butt or even peeks in the diaper. It’s gross but it will happen. Hopefully you don’t do it in a place of eating (ahem – shout out to a certain someone I know)!

FACT: Never in your life will you talk about poop as much as you do with a newborn. Color, frequency, texture, timing. With your partner, mother, friend, doctor. Poop is no longer on the off topic list.

FACT: Baby farts are funny. They just are. No matter where they happen or when. They still make me giggle. (PS did I just write “baby farts” on my blog?)

FACT: Everyday life will turn into a Broadway play, cooking show or your very own self hosted talk show. I just find I’m always talking out loud teaching her everything from how to scrunch my hair in the shower in case she also has wavy hair or how I make baked pork chops for dinner. When she was younger, I’d sing anything, just for the sake of a melody that would help me sway in a rhythm to get her to sleep.

FACT: Every milestone is amazing, but mostly only to you and your baby’s daddy. Yes grandmas and grandpas or even aunts and uncles can be just as excited when your little one smiles, walks or talks. But don’t be surprised if your friends or family aren’t as excited for those mini milestones, like reaching for toys, passing things from one hand to another or touching their toes. Hopefully they’ll at least fake their excitement for you!

FACT: You will call your significant other mommy or daddy even when baby isn’t around. It will just slip out. Daddy can you grab me a soda? Mommy can you pass me the remote?  It’s your new identity anyway so might as well use it at home!